Reimagining Discipline: personal reflections and building my coaching philosophy

“Discipline and devotion are necessary to the practice of love.” - bell hooks, All About Love: New Visions

This semester, I’m taking a coaching psychology class, and we’ve been discussing the 3 “C’s” of motivation:care, competence, and choice.

According to self-determination theory, the most effective way to motivate athletes is to approach them with care, validate their competence, and provide them choices.

Our discussions have prompted a personal reflection on how my coaches chose to motivate - or discipline - when I was a young athlete, and how those tactics continue to impact me and my coaching today.

Growing up, I had a complicated relationship with discipline. People would constantly tell me how strong my work ethic was and how impressed they were that I had accomplished so much, so young.

But I never felt like I was a hard worker. I actually thought I was lazy, and sometimes still catch myself thinking that today.

I worked hard because I was scared of being disciplined by people around me. I was afraid that, if I didn’t live up to the expectations of my family, my coaches, my friends, and my teammates, it would mean I had failed. That I didn’t try hard enough - that I wasn’t disciplined enough.

Discipline used to look like doing barehanded pushups in the center of the rink because I wore the wrong headband.

Discipline used to look like adults who would praise me for my talent, and in the same breath yell at my teammates and I for giggling.

Discipline used to look like running the same jump section over and over again, even after I fell and smacked my hand so hard on the ice I bled.

Discipline used to be belittling, bullying, controlling - not exactly a great recipe for engaging care, validating competence, and providing choice.

This translated, unsurprisingly, to the way I spoke to myself:

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Why can’t you just do it right?”

“Other people have it worse.”

“Stop complaining.”

“You’re just not good enough.”

These are what I now call “my demons.”

But in the six years since I’ve retired from competitive sport — with the help of therapy, new friendships, and time to explore my spirit outside of skating — I’ve reoriented my relationship to discipline.

I’m no longer afraid of being shamed by those who have control over me - I’ve regained my power and agency. I now choose to be disciplined toward my own values, toward the person I want to become.

So now, as coaching psych experts promote, I motivate and discipline myself with grace and caring words, reminding myself of my competence, and giving myself choices in moving through challenges.

I fight for a discipline that looks like dedication, devotion, and commitment to my soul, my joy, and a sense of clarity around who I am and my place in the world.

This reorientation helps me feel more confident in my ability to be a healthy, safe, inspiring, and honest coach for my students.

For my students, I want discipline to look like:

Reminders of their goals and what they have control over in the process of achieving them;

questions about what’s important to them and collaborating about how to move toward those things;

and encouraging them to take ownership over their wants, needs, and values by prompting honest, healthy self-reflection.

In these moments, I find myself learning more from them than I would have ever imagined.

Even though my demons still live in my head, they now have neighbors who can keep them in check:

“It’s going to be okay.”

“Having flaws makes you more human.”

“You’ll get through this.”

“Mistakes happen.”

“You’re capable of growth.”

“You don’t have to be perfect.”

“You can take your time.”